I remember being so tied up in the details and mundanity of my life that I couldn’t see a way out of what was effectively killing me. All I wanted was for someone to show me how to move from frightened and depleted to free and delighted. The truth was, I didn’t believe that journey was possible for me. I was too far in, too far gone. “Free and delighted” by my own life seemed like some fantasy fairy tale that, although I spent half my waking hours believing in fairies and angels, I couldn’t get it to translate or reconcile as ever being my potential reality except in a nebulous daydream to escape the stark reality of my decreasing life force and will to carry on. When your soul says “set yourself free”, where are you supposed to start?
You hold the keys…
Okay, but which lock do they fit and once you find it and insert that key, what if it’s booby-trapped with something that will hurt like hell? Worse still, what if you open the door and let yourself out into an even more terrifying personal prison? These were all questions that kept me stuck for years in a situation that, to the outside world looked completely benign, but from the inside made me so ill that I could hardly move, so tired all I could do was sleep, so unhappy that even my tears had long since dried up and so far from my own soul’s voice that I had no idea who I was, why I was here or even if I deserved to still be breathing. I was ready to leave this mortal life and return to Spirit.
I spent over 20 years of my life going through the motions, showing up for the rest of the world and wondering when it was going to be my turn. When was the world going to start showing up for me?
Discovering the keys early on was easy. For me though, finding the lock didn’t happen until I realised that I had to start showing up for myself. All those who appeared to rely on me were going to have to be cut loose to fend for themselves if I had even the remotest chance of saving myself.
Turning that key looks like the most selfish act you will ever take until you realise that it is actually the most Self-Full. Those who need you the most were waiting all along for you to reclaim your power so you could show them the way to set themselves free too.
Stepping into the unknown
To set yourself free is an act of self-love beyond any other you will encounter. Just as importantly, it is a courageous act of divine service to all those you love and have assumed responsibility for, beyond co-dependency and on the other side of fear. That being said, once outside the gates of the prison you created for yourself, is a vast unknown and untethered experience that can feel like a void that will swallow you up, without direction and support.
I remember stepping into the unknown, nobody calling the shots, nobody to please or to answer to. In the beginning, this was even more terrifying than the chains that had bound me for what seemed like an eternity. I was on my own… except, I really wasn’t. The universe had lined up the next synchronicity, like placing a flying disc under my foot, searching in mid-air to find solid ground… the path began appearing as I bravely stepped one foot in front of the other in complete faith that Source was not going to let me fall.
The right people began to show up for me. The right message was delivered. The resources I needed arrived as I was ready for them and all that was asked of me was that I follow my inner guidance, forgive what had held me back and keep an open-heart and mind to uncover the next lock and the right key.
You see, every day that follows the door being opened is another day to set yourself free a little more. But that very first lock is the hardest to turn.
Mistaking the captor
I prayed for someone to hold my hand through the process but for me, everyone and everything I knew was inside the prison with me. I mistook some of them for my captors along the way. They showed up in the form of boss, spouse, lover, friends, family members… I blamed the mortgage, the bills, the loan repayments, the people who were counting on me, all as being the reasons I couldn’t break free.
It was only when I stepped outside my everyday life for a short break away and took time to hear the truth of my own soul, that I recognised the captor all too well. She was me. She was disguised in so many masks, all of them called fear and life was going to keep spiralling until the moment I made a decision to sacrifice everything to save myself.
20 years on and many doors unlocked since, I now live a life where I can identify any chains that need breaking immediately, my soul calls the shots and if it doesn’t feel aligned to who I want to be and how I want to live, I don’t hesitate to whip out my keys and set myself free. Life is finally feeling worthy of me (and no longer do I ever question whether I am worthy of it).
The Grail Reveals
If you are afraid of reclaiming your freedom, you’re being invited to master several aspects of The Grail Path now:
- You have forgotten who you really are – as a living expression of the divine, you have ultimate responsibility and sovereignty for your own power. That makes you the key-master. (Principle 1)
- You bought the lie – the world would have you believe you owe it something and you must prove your own worth, but that isn’t your truth. (Principle 4)
- You tried to deny that you matter – although you might have put your own needs to one side for far too long, the soul knows and will continue to remind you that your number one priority is your own wellbeing… you cannot serve from an empty cup. (Principle 6)
- You kept giving the keys away – every time you gave of yourself without recognising the gift in the wisdom or generosity you offered was actually meant for you too. (Principle 7).
Perhaps you’ve been praying for someone to hold your hand, help you turn the key and walk you through the open door? Everything you’ve been dreaming about is just beyond that threshold.
This month in the Grail Temple we’re discussing…
- Hearing the truth from your shadow
- Reclaiming your spiritual practice
- Inner-cartography and outer manifestation
- Translating wisdom into direction
No matter in which area of your life you’re perceiving lack, you can start filling your own cup right now with the right guidance and tools. You can get in on the discussion at https://jojerodene.com/become-a-member/
Love, Jo x
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