Okay so it’s not really a handbook but I like the title, instead it’s an insight into why to the outside world it might appear that we are dealing with inner conflict and self-sabotage, what the real issues are and why contradictory behaviour is occurring at all.
First let me get the cosmology out of the way… Mercury went direct yesterday but is still in shadow until around the 19th meaning that communication issues and misunderstandings have eased up just enough to get a point across but some people will still be hell bent on analysing everything you do and say, possibly even attempting to correct, fix or heal you without actually just hearing the truth behind what you are perhaps clumsily attempting to express. Combine that with this morning’s Full Moon in Pisces where we are forced to evaluate whether our hopes and dreams are actually inspired thought or just wishful thinking, we may be forgiven for appearing to fluctuate in our faith in the path we’ve chosen.
Now then, inner conflict or the appearance of it, looks like you changed your mind… addictive behaviour in this area looks like you change it regularly. Suppose just for one minute from the inside looking out though, that what’s actually happening is a re-evaluation of the imbalance of commitment, the recognition of going it alone on a project, relationship or intention that was supposed to involve more than one person, suppose historically the effort put in has yielded lack lustre, less than satisfactory results and evidence is showing that more of the same is on the horizon: maximum investment for little or no payoff… is it then self sabotage to consider changing course or is it actually good sense?
I’m guilty of changing my mind (a lot). I change my mind about running this blog/website, I change my mind about continuing as a spiritual teacher, I change my mind about my relationships, my general direction in life and so on… mostly it is just a case of stopping to assess where I am on the path, taking a look around to see which way I’m headed and whether it is making me happy in the moment and whether the theme and texture of the journey are living up to expectations… from the outside it appears to be inner conflict but from the inside its more of a jailbreak to freedom or at least an expansion of the metaphorical cell.
I am often taken to a place in meditation that appears to be a beautiful manor house, it’s rooms are areas of the inner self or subconscious and within each is a lesson or idea to be unravelled. Last night when I approached the house there were giant yellow diggers tearing up the area surrounding the house, my first thoughts were “landscaping?” Then I wondered if it was the beginnings of a moat and the need for some isolation, perhaps even the undermining my foundations? On entering all looked normal except for dust and cobwebs in the foyer, like it had been abandoned for years (even though I was there the night before). As I prized apart the giant doors leading to the great hall beyond the foyer I was amazed to find the absence of the familiar and instead a giant empty warehouse so enormous that the rear wall, if there even was one, could not be identified. Nothing was in this warehouse except for an empty wooden crate which I sat on and an old fashioned metal watering can, the only light was coming from the foyer through the open doors.
To me this empty space was a place to create something new, the size was so I didn’t put restrictions on what I created and how big it could be, the box and watering can were the meagre resources that I had to start with but the most important thing was the sense of complete peace that I found within the expanse… and I sat… to just be. I didn’t need in that moment to create anything, I didn’t need to fill the space with stuff or with people or with questions. I felt relief.
The diggers were preparing the ground to strengthen my foundations as I prepare to enter a new chapter. If I’ve changed my mind about anything lately, it isn’t because I’m in conflict, it isn’t because I have lost control of my inner saboteur, it isn’t because I’m flakey or inconsistent, it’s because I’m in preparation, attempting to clear the decks for the next phase of my evolution…
Principle 4: I AM Truth. This precept is about not needing to impress anyone, answer to anyone, justify your actions to anyone and more importantly it is about celebrating the zig zags your path encounters as the road to wherever you are going, which incidentally you won’t actually know where that is until you arrive, unfolds. As always with this Principle, it carries the tag line: I reserve the right to evolve.
I get to choose what items, personnel, tools and materials to allow into my warehouse and I’m choosing them based on reliability, flexibility, innovation, yield, supportive nature and on God’s guidance… As for defeating the inner saboteur? First you must check that she isn’t under the influence of the many voices of the outer critics that all have something to lose or gain by keeping your consciousness fixed. Change your mind… it’s yours to change and if the current version doesn’t yield results, reinvent it.
More later… x